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I have no clue what i’m doing….

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So, I had to teach my almost 12-year-old how to shave her legs last night. Now, this would see to be exciting for most moms. Their little girl is growing up, making changes and so on. But my situation is different. My daughter is 95 lbs and I’m still bathing her, dressing her, helping her brushing her teeth and comb her hair….you get the point. Kali is special needs. She has made some of  the most remarkable changes in the last few years. I am overjoyed, everyday at a new accomplishment she has made. God showed me her healed and whole and that’s all I have left to hold on to.

Let me let you in on a little secret…..I have no idea what I’m doing. Little things pop into my mind, “What if I can never go on vacation with just my husband?!”, “What if something happened to us, who will take care of her?!”, “She’s off today, did someone hurt her at school?!”, on and on and on…This is real. I can’t remember the last time I had a night away with my husband, let alone an actual vacation! Shes easier to look after now than an adult version! So my need for rest and a break, leak. It leaks into every crevice of my home and life. I find myself exhausted at the simplest of days, short-tempered at the littlest things and unable to give anything else. I feel things unravel rather quickly when I get this way. I panic. People say things like, “You can do it, God knew you could”, “He wouldn’t have given you this if He didn’t know you could handle it!”. Are these comments suppose to be helpful?  If you have a friend going through anything, don’t say these things to them. They aren’t helpful. You know what is helpful? Hug them, cry with them, pray with them, laugh with them, just check in on them, offer to give them a break, pick up the kids, run some errands, pour them a drink…. those things are helpful.

So I find myself at a cross-road, I can spiral deeper or suck it up buttercup. Lets be honest here, I have like a small window to panic, cry and then I have to pick myself up and move forward. I don’t have the grace to just check out. it doesn’t work that way. I find my center. I read, I clean, I take a walk, workout, cook…whatever. I do something to remind myself of the air I’m breathing, the ground beneath me, the sounds that I hear and the fact that I’m okay. Maybe I paint or write a song. Whatever it is, I find my way back to the present. I reel in the thought process that can get out of hand. Take it one day at a time, take a deep breath and move forward. This is an ever evolving process. I can be good one min and then something can take me for a ride into the “what ifs”. It’s a fight at times and other times I laugh that I even let myself be swept away. But this is real. This is the battle that we have has moms or parents. Weather you have a child with special needs or you’re in the terrible two’s, the preteen, the teenager years, or whatever. We go through things, we believe we have no clue what we are doing, we would love some paid vacation leave. Find your center, find what aligns you, give yourself grace, grace and more grace, love yourself more, think happy thoughts, laugh at everything and nothing, cry when you need to, morn the perfect life you had painted in your head and celebrate the imperfect perfect life you have, play with your kids, imagine, dream and dream some more. Ground yourself in the present moment, remember to love life and when life beats you up a little, take a deep breath and find your center again. Most importantly, remind others to do the same. We forget sometimes…

We all need to be “Special Needs”….

Its been a while since I’ve posted anything. No reason really, just sometimes you don’t feel like writing. There has been a lot of shifting and changes that have happened in the last year. A lot of “stuff” going on. Stepping outside the whirlwind and looking at everything from the outside in can be helpful in order to gain perspective. I’ve had many conversations over the last few months about whats happening in Syria, Israel, Iran, Iraq, Pakistan,China, America, Japan, Canada, Mexico and so on. The one common thing I have taken away from every conversation is, when did we stop treating people like human beings? When was the decision made to “love” people from a distance? I’m guilty of this too. Not pointing fingers here, but if this does stir something inside of you maybe you should look at that….? I wonder what it would look like if we just loved on people with no agenda attached? None.

I watch my daughter get on the little short bus every morning for school. She has no agenda for the day but to just be in the moment. Every step she takes is another opportunity to see the beauty around her. She loves fiercely and without a second thought. She watches people intently and tries to communicate with them on their level, even if she doesn’t understand how exactly. She sings off the top of her lungs anywhere and everywhere we go. No, really, everywhere. She dances any time she pleases and doesn’t give a crap whose looking. When someone is sick, she is first in line to pray for them and is always asking about them until they are well again. When someone is hurt or in trouble, she cries with them or for them. If your heart broken, so is she. The interesting part about her is, we call her “special needs.”

Its funny that we call her a special needs child. She has taught me so much about how to treat people, how to slow down and how every person deserves a hug from time to time.  Now, there are bad guys in her world and this is reality, but she slows down enough to accurately see who is who. Kids do this. Kids have this way of loving with no agenda and seeing right through the crap. We get a hold of them and mess it all up.

I would encourage you, myself included, to slow down, take a deep breath and ground yourself in the moment. Whatever that may look like….at work, at a desk, in your car, at the DMV, at the park, at the grocery store, with your baby, with a sick relative, at Starbucks, wherever you are, just be ever present and watch how easy it is to connect with people around you when your agenda is checked at the door.

Whats love got to do with it?

So, I’m sitting on a plane heading back from a trip to visit my best friend and sister. Now, I’m not a huge fan of planes. not sure exactly why but, I’ve never been. It’s interesting though how many people are in the same boat as me.  As I look around, I’ve noticed a few things…it’s fascinating to me how people deal with certain things. Everyone around me is so different. For example, we have the women next to me that been clinging to her rosary beads and silently saying a prayer, we have the man to my left playing Sudoku, reading and playing more games, staying seemingly calm trying to mask his anxiety by staying busy. We have the woman to my left back, sleeping while her alarm goes off, not bothered one bit while the man to her right hasn’t stopped talking. All this going on is trumped by the constant and loud cackling of 3 women that clearly have had too much coffee. Oh the joys of flying… It’s interesting how many people have a fear of flying. I’m masking my fear by listening to worship music and writing how everyone else is handling it. Ha. Turbulence isn’t helping this either. I’m wondering what causes this irrational fear or fear at all?! Is all fear irrational? Food for thought, I guess.
For me, it has nothing to do with dying. I’m not afraid of that. I know where I’m going. After really thinking about this I figured out that this fear is no different than any fear. It’s the future thought of things to come. Its the loss of control and the lack of grounding yourself in the present. It’s the inability to relax and enjoy our surroundings. It’s not real! Fear isn’t real!! Wait, it isn’t? Nope. It’s the forward motion thought that we somehow morph into unrealistic things that usually never happen! I wonder what would happen if when we were in a fearful state, we took a deep breath and grounded ourselves in the present. Sometimes taking it a bit further and enjoyed the things we wouldn’t even think to consider. Like the air, the view, the laughing, the chairs, the ground. The simple things that we rush by and forget that this is what’s real, the here and now. If we stop and think about the fears we all have, it wouldn’t start or stop with something like flying. Finances, sickness, relationships, lack of hope, lack of understanding, people, etc. It’s things that haven’t even happened! It’s the “what if’s” that get us in trouble. Now I’m not saying danger isn’t real, I’m saying fear isn’t real. We need to learn the art of entering a room and taking our peace if it isn’t there.
I recently went to a Graham Cooke conference and he said when he walks into a situation and he doesn’t have what he needs to handle it, he says; “I allocate —– in the name of Jesus”.  So I thought I’d try it. As I was sitting on the plane, feeling all the anxiety swirling around me, I quietly said, “I allocate peace in the name of Jesus”, took a deep breath and grounded myself in the present. I feel much better now. Why? Cause fear isn’t real. Danger is real, but fear isn’t. What would happen if we stopped responding to fear and responded to everything with love. After all, perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18). That’s what I did, I used perfect love (in the name of Jesus) to remind myself of my authority (I allocate) to remove fear by choosing to bring supernatural peace down from Heaven.
So, love has everything to do with it! I can’t get to a peaceful state on my own. I had to relinquish all control and call on perfect love and supernatural peace to remind myself that I am in the present, the hear and now and I have the choice to sit back and enjoy the ride.