Tag Archives: doubt

I have no clue what i’m doing….

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So, I had to teach my almost 12-year-old how to shave her legs last night. Now, this would see to be exciting for most moms. Their little girl is growing up, making changes and so on. But my situation is different. My daughter is 95 lbs and I’m still bathing her, dressing her, helping her brushing her teeth and comb her hair….you get the point. Kali is special needs. She has made some of  the most remarkable changes in the last few years. I am overjoyed, everyday at a new accomplishment she has made. God showed me her healed and whole and that’s all I have left to hold on to.

Let me let you in on a little secret…..I have no idea what I’m doing. Little things pop into my mind, “What if I can never go on vacation with just my husband?!”, “What if something happened to us, who will take care of her?!”, “She’s off today, did someone hurt her at school?!”, on and on and on…This is real. I can’t remember the last time I had a night away with my husband, let alone an actual vacation! Shes easier to look after now than an adult version! So my need for rest and a break, leak. It leaks into every crevice of my home and life. I find myself exhausted at the simplest of days, short-tempered at the littlest things and unable to give anything else. I feel things unravel rather quickly when I get this way. I panic. People say things like, “You can do it, God knew you could”, “He wouldn’t have given you this if He didn’t know you could handle it!”. Are these comments suppose to be helpful?  If you have a friend going through anything, don’t say these things to them. They aren’t helpful. You know what is helpful? Hug them, cry with them, pray with them, laugh with them, just check in on them, offer to give them a break, pick up the kids, run some errands, pour them a drink…. those things are helpful.

So I find myself at a cross-road, I can spiral deeper or suck it up buttercup. Lets be honest here, I have like a small window to panic, cry and then I have to pick myself up and move forward. I don’t have the grace to just check out. it doesn’t work that way. I find my center. I read, I clean, I take a walk, workout, cook…whatever. I do something to remind myself of the air I’m breathing, the ground beneath me, the sounds that I hear and the fact that I’m okay. Maybe I paint or write a song. Whatever it is, I find my way back to the present. I reel in the thought process that can get out of hand. Take it one day at a time, take a deep breath and move forward. This is an ever evolving process. I can be good one min and then something can take me for a ride into the “what ifs”. It’s a fight at times and other times I laugh that I even let myself be swept away. But this is real. This is the battle that we have has moms or parents. Weather you have a child with special needs or you’re in the terrible two’s, the preteen, the teenager years, or whatever. We go through things, we believe we have no clue what we are doing, we would love some paid vacation leave. Find your center, find what aligns you, give yourself grace, grace and more grace, love yourself more, think happy thoughts, laugh at everything and nothing, cry when you need to, morn the perfect life you had painted in your head and celebrate the imperfect perfect life you have, play with your kids, imagine, dream and dream some more. Ground yourself in the present moment, remember to love life and when life beats you up a little, take a deep breath and find your center again. Most importantly, remind others to do the same. We forget sometimes…

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Suck it up buttercup

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Ok, news flash, the world doesn’t revolve around you! Gasp! I know, I know, I can wait until the initial shock wears off. Hey, me too though! I go through this as well. You know what I’m talking about, those times when your just going through some junk and everything seems to offend you, or every posting seems to be talking to you… We all have these days to some degree, it’s weather or not you admit it. I’ve realized when I’m having theses days, I’m usually a lot more snappy. Now, the person I end up making a snarky comments to is never the person or thing that’s actually bugging me and I end up having to apologize for being a brat. People deal with their junk in all different ways; some completely shut off and retreat, others post 1000 bible verses or quotes on Facebook making sure everyone knows “their ok!” the funny thing about this is, of your in an actual relationship with these people in some way, you can read right through the bull crap. Some people let it all out on every social network they can get their hands on and then call everyone they know. Others get real quiet and try to process. Others worry and worry and worry. Whatever one you are, how’s that workin for you? I can be many of theses things. I can be the one that retreats, or the quiet one and even the snappy one. The thing is, no matter how we respond, we need to realize that seeing others this way is showing us something. We can easily react to all the chaos and get offended. (That’s actually the most common way I’ve seen.) or we can look at the situation and see how we can better help instead of make their pain about us. Everyone is going through something and some point. Why do we often take someone’s else pain and make the entire situation about us?! “can you believe how rude that person was?” “did you see —– post? I know it was about me” ” so and so hasn’t even called me back!” Any of these sound familiar? They do to me! I’ve been there, done that. The problem here is that this never helps anyone. Do not add fuel to the fire. Instead, see how you can help without any strings attached. This is not a “get out of jail card” for the people going through crap, it’s a “grace card”, it seems to go further. 🙂
I’ve personally experienced a loss of friendship over Facebook. Yes, Facebook. Now, obviously there were other factors present. This person was in a lot of pain and going through a big hurt. I post about fun stuff and success or excitement in my life. I can also call stuff out from time to time. Not to start a war, but to make people stop and think. I was posting regarding one thing and she took it on as something I was saying to her….now, funny thing is, anyone who knows me, knows I don’t have a problem with confrontation. Meaning, if something has bothered me, or I feel like I’ve offended someone, ill ask! This alleviates so much unnecessary drama. Well, she did not ask, took it on, stopped following me and being my friend over this. I asked and followed up but she kept saying nothing was wrong. (obv I found out there was). Needless to say, we parted ways. At the time, this really hurt and I was really frustrated about it. Now, I’ve forgiven and moved on. Looking back, wow, this whole thing could have been alleviated by basic communication, not taking on everything like the world revolves around you and learning to give grace and maybe even the benefit of the doubt.
I’ve done this same thing and received this same thing.
Now, for the people going through some junk….suck it up buttercup. I don’t mean this is a harsh or insensitive way. I mean it just like it sounds. Get outside your circumstances and help someone in need. Laugh, smile and for God sake, turn off the depressing music!! Stop posting on Facebook and start getting real with yourself. Find the root of the pain and rip it out. Forgive, move forward and walk in the truth that God is so much bigger than your circumstances. Call a friend to have coffee and only listen, pray your way out of it, do something besides sit in wallow in your own disparity.
Imagine yourself in a desert. You’ve been there for days. You look down and there is a a puddle of clean water to your right. To your left, there a pile of more sand on top of the sand…Well common sense tells you to take the water, drink it up and be refreshed. But you don’t. We don’t. We decide the much better option is to ingest the sand. This will take over your body and slowly kill you. It may not be one gain of sand that does it but the hundreds and thousands that we ingest day after day, will. This is no different that dealing with our crap when we are going through it. We know how to get ourselves out of it, all we need to do is drink the water. But we don’t. We choose the sand and our negative thoughts (the sand), will eat us alive. I personally have gotten better at realizing this, but it’s still really hard when your gong through something. Sometimes, you just don’t want to do anything but watch movies and eat ice cream. Have a day, but no more, force yourself out of it. I’ve known a few people with cancer in my life. I’ve also know them to be some of the most positive people to be around. Why? I figure, that once you come that close to death, you realize the power or your thoughts and words. You recreate what you think and what you say. If its negative, it works to destroy your mind, body and spirit. If its positive, it works to empower you in every way. Positive thoughts and words of life actually give life.
So, if your going through something or know of someone dealing with their junk, choose to speak words of life into the situation, choose the water and watch it turn around.