I have no clue what i’m doing….

So, I had to teach my almost 12-year-old how to shave her legs last night. Now, this would see to be exciting for most moms. Their little girl is growing up, making changes and so on. But my situation is different. My daughter is 95 lbs and I’m still bathing her, dressing her, helping her brushing her teeth and comb her hair….you get the point. Kali is special needs. She has made some of  the most remarkable changes in the last few years. I am overjoyed, everyday at a new accomplishment she has made. God showed me her healed and whole and that’s all I have left to hold on to.

Let me let you in on a little secret…..I have no idea what I’m doing. Little things pop into my mind, “What if I can never go on vacation with just my husband?!”, “What if something happened to us, who will take care of her?!”, “She’s off today, did someone hurt her at school?!”, on and on and on…This is real. I can’t remember the last time I had a night away with my husband, let alone an actual vacation! Shes easier to look after now than an adult version! So my need for rest and a break, leak. It leaks into every crevice of my home and life. I find myself exhausted at the simplest of days, short-tempered at the littlest things and unable to give anything else. I feel things unravel rather quickly when I get this way. I panic. People say things like, “You can do it, God knew you could”, “He wouldn’t have given you this if He didn’t know you could handle it!”. Are these comments suppose to be helpful?  If you have a friend going through anything, don’t say these things to them. They aren’t helpful. You know what is helpful? Hug them, cry with them, pray with them, laugh with them, just check in on them, offer to give them a break, pick up the kids, run some errands, pour them a drink…. those things are helpful.

So I find myself at a cross-road, I can spiral deeper or suck it up buttercup. Lets be honest here, I have like a small window to panic, cry and then I have to pick myself up and move forward. I don’t have the grace to just check out. it doesn’t work that way. I find my center. I read, I clean, I take a walk, workout, cook…whatever. I do something to remind myself of the air I’m breathing, the ground beneath me, the sounds that I hear and the fact that I’m okay. Maybe I paint or write a song. Whatever it is, I find my way back to the present. I reel in the thought process that can get out of hand. Take it one day at a time, take a deep breath and move forward. This is an ever evolving process. I can be good one min and then something can take me for a ride into the “what ifs”. It’s a fight at times and other times I laugh that I even let myself be swept away. But this is real. This is the battle that we have has moms or parents. Weather you have a child with special needs or you’re in the terrible two’s, the preteen, the teenager years, or whatever. We go through things, we believe we have no clue what we are doing, we would love some paid vacation leave. Find your center, find what aligns you, give yourself grace, grace and more grace, love yourself more, think happy thoughts, laugh at everything and nothing, cry when you need to, morn the perfect life you had painted in your head and celebrate the imperfect perfect life you have, play with your kids, imagine, dream and dream some more. Ground yourself in the present moment, remember to love life and when life beats you up a little, take a deep breath and find your center again. Most importantly, remind others to do the same. We forget sometimes…

We all need to be “Special Needs”….

Its been a while since I’ve posted anything. No reason really, just sometimes you don’t feel like writing. There has been a lot of shifting and changes that have happened in the last year. A lot of “stuff” going on. Stepping outside the whirlwind and looking at everything from the outside in can be helpful in order to gain perspective. I’ve had many conversations over the last few months about whats happening in Syria, Israel, Iran, Iraq, Pakistan,China, America, Japan, Canada, Mexico and so on. The one common thing I have taken away from every conversation is, when did we stop treating people like human beings? When was the decision made to “love” people from a distance? I’m guilty of this too. Not pointing fingers here, but if this does stir something inside of you maybe you should look at that….? I wonder what it would look like if we just loved on people with no agenda attached? None.

I watch my daughter get on the little short bus every morning for school. She has no agenda for the day but to just be in the moment. Every step she takes is another opportunity to see the beauty around her. She loves fiercely and without a second thought. She watches people intently and tries to communicate with them on their level, even if she doesn’t understand how exactly. She sings off the top of her lungs anywhere and everywhere we go. No, really, everywhere. She dances any time she pleases and doesn’t give a crap whose looking. When someone is sick, she is first in line to pray for them and is always asking about them until they are well again. When someone is hurt or in trouble, she cries with them or for them. If your heart broken, so is she. The interesting part about her is, we call her “special needs.”

Its funny that we call her a special needs child. She has taught me so much about how to treat people, how to slow down and how every person deserves a hug from time to time.  Now, there are bad guys in her world and this is reality, but she slows down enough to accurately see who is who. Kids do this. Kids have this way of loving with no agenda and seeing right through the crap. We get a hold of them and mess it all up.

I would encourage you, myself included, to slow down, take a deep breath and ground yourself in the moment. Whatever that may look like….at work, at a desk, in your car, at the DMV, at the park, at the grocery store, with your baby, with a sick relative, at Starbucks, wherever you are, just be ever present and watch how easy it is to connect with people around you when your agenda is checked at the door.

Who am I?

I basically started this blog to be able to let it all out, so to speak. While everyone and their mom thinks that social media is there for us as platform to voice our opinion for everyone to hear regardless if they agree or not, I am sick of hearing about it all. What happened to “speak words of life?”.  I’ve noticed that it’s basically a platform to bitch on, or to spew religious banter. God forbid if someone doesn’t agree with you or your opinion on something… just click “unfriend” or “unfollow”. Surround yourselves with only people that agree with everything that you say and think. Don’t ever surround yourselves with people that make you feel uncomfortable or challenge your views! And whatever you do, you can’t be kind to them when they do make you feel uncomfortable!!  Hey, I’m guilty too. But what a boring life that is! I often say that if you find yourself comfortable, try to do something that gets you uncomfortable because that’s where your character comes out and true growth happens. With all that being said, “who am I?” is the question.

Well, I am a few things to many people. I am a mom of 3 girls. Yes, 3 girls. (Pray for me) I have a few friends with 5 girls and more! Pray for them too :). Anyway, I am a mom and a wife; I’m a sister, daughter, worship leader and women’s activist. I am the daughter of Yahweh and a sledgehammer. I’m an artist, hairstylist and makeup artist. I’m a musician (don’t be that impressed. I’m working on it still.) and a business owner. I’m an entrepreneur by heart. I love when God shows me the root of someone’s chains and allows me to come and rip it out. I love to see God destroy the enemy’s lies and transform hearts. However, I battle too. I come to my end and want to scream. I have pity parties and want only chocolate and wine and more chocolate. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to walk away from leading cause it got hard. I’ve heard it said, “The harder the battle, the greater the destiny”.  Well that sounds nice and all, but when you’re in the middle of your junk, sometimes it’s hard to even care….Following these next few weeks, I’m going to share what it’s like to have daughter with special needs, why I don’t care to get wrapped up in all the government crap, what being a wife means to me and what I’ve learned about being a mom. I’m going to talk about why many women can do what men can, but why would we want to?! Why coffee is so important and why keeping a strong sense of identity is key to surviving life, why life isn’t fair and never will be, why middle school sucks and how I feel about most churches in a building and what does “community” mean….oh so much to  chat on!! Let’s begin…

P.S. I reserve the right to change my mind, and change my mind again and again and again. 🙂